sorrow.

I went to my best friend's wedding yesterday. We're so close to each other once and now she's someone else's wife. How life had changed before my eyes.
And that's when I thought of my one and only ex boyfriend: TK.
We might get married if we're still together.
I might be busy with my own wedding.
I might still be in love with him.
I might never know he is gay by then.
I might never know how much a broken heart cost.
Just one heart.
It just cost one heart.

Last night I felt so sad thinking of what had happen in these few years of my life.
The years I learn what love is.
Looking back I was just a girl with no absolute dreams because I was in love.
All that matter to me was...... him.

God knows what happened to him now but I am sure he's now content with the one he loves.
Oh c'mon, he left me for another guy.
He wouldn't feel so bummed.
He wouldn't crushed to million pieces like I did.

I feel like crying.
I think I missed him when I know deep down I should not.

ghost love score

I wasn't feeling well for the past few days. I suffered from terrible headaches, I vomitted a few times, on top of that, my stomach really shutted down.
The best of all, me and my girls were planning to go for a road trip for almost 600km tonight.
It's too late to cancel nor postponed it.
I tried so many medications, including those prescribed by the doctor, too bad: they're not helping.
The doctor even said i wasn't that sick.
He's a doctor, he reads me like a number. What else did he cared?
To hell with him, he has no fucking idea that I had vomitted to ease my dizziness.

For few days I suffered, on and off, with some uneasiness in my stomach, like it's totally bloathing.
It's annoying.
My head spins sometimes, it effected my eyes, and they began sore some time.
Palying with psychology instinct, I played myself my fav songs as I ALWAYS love music, and voila~
I was right.
I just need Ghost Love Score by Nightwish and i feel a looot better.


p/s: the road trip will be filled with all metal/rock bands I love the most!

dream

oh ya! i dreamt about him last nite.
yes him.
the guy I secretly had a crush on ONE WHOLE YEAR without even looking at his face.
the guy i referred as: someone who has so much in common with me
the guy who left without warning.

I guess I missed having him around.
I guess I missed him.
I hope he feels the same way. One way or another.

Once Upon A December

I thought I wouldn't be as busy as all the big plans and events had already passed.
Eidl Fitr last September, my eldest sister got married last October, my youngest sister underwent a major spinal operation, Eidl Adh last week~

I'm hundred miles away from mom and dad, make it a lot harder financially and totally time consuming.
I thought November came and wrapped them all up.
I was clearly, wrong!

December is more hectic and usual.
I have literally no time to focus on playing new songs for my keyboard lessons, and no time to read books I borrowed from my mom.

I am busy squeezing myself into doing two different jobs: my full-time QA job at my office and doing a part time tutor for 2 school boys.
Tutoring isn't easy.
I need to find materials for each class.
And being very particular about detailing, I am constantly wasting my time to google up good materials for the classes.
Oh well the first discussion would be about football.
Let the boys warm up with a topic they love the most.
And Shakira.
gah, I need to google on that one!

I also need to plan for a quick farewell vacations with my two good friends, as I am leaving the company early January.
We're going to Melaka and again, I am driving. More than 600km this time.
Poor my car~ It travels so far and so frequent I started to worry about its performance.

I also need to study on my new company. I need to start fresh without being totally empty.
At least I know something.
At least I am ready.

*Sigh. Need to stop here.
Gotta get back to home, cooking and practising 'Hello' on my keyboard.
I have a long day tomorrow, sending my car to workshop, meeting up a labor officer discussing about my fucked up employer who used us as money machine (longgg story) and settling up some issues with EPF, and a class with my 2 new students.

What a life!

my horrible housie.

I soon realized that I get really fucked-up with my housemate. She's a good friend, hands-down. But I can't really seems to get along with her and her countless wrong statements, fraud, lies, crappy bullshits and the list goes.
She once told me that Quantum of Solace has no Bond girls. She even added she reads it somewhere on internet.
No Bond girls?
I didn't watch any Bond movies, though I know Sean Connery was one of the most famous Bond alive :)
But come on now, no Bond girls? Are you kidding me?
Bond would not be Bond without girls!
And she's so illiterate to know such things to even be making such comments.

This is just one of the example of the crappy things she said and stands for.
And to live with this person everyday is totally sickening.
To listen what she have to say is annoying.

*She claimed that she's so skinny weighing 43kg when she actually stood 5ft tall. If she's so skinny I wonder why can't she fit to size 2 jeans?*

Last night she told me she reads somewhere *crappy.com maybe* that Eva Longoria is turned 41 on 2009.
Seriously?
I have my doubt.
She doesn't look 40 by all means.
So I googled up, and ta-da, she's 34.
Though I am done trusting her, there's still a slight feeling of annoyance lingering on the air surrounding me.
Is she just plain dumb, or she just have head filled with crappy thoughts?
I should feel sorry for her, you know.
I should let this go more.
I should be more cool dealing with people who keep making wrong statements, or wanting things that were different with what I want.
But as much as I tried, I really can't let go certain things.

Maybe I need to sign myself up to an Anger Management class somewhere.
Sigh*

Review 2012

Let’s remove your logic hat and focus on the movie. Logical mind will reject the whole idea of the movie, thus there’s no way you would enjoy the movie as it is.

There were countless theories about the end of the world. Some predicted there will be a huge impact between Earth and meteorite or other planet. Some says it’s the sun that will lose its power like other stars in Milky Way did. Some claimed the Earth will execute its own cycle and the ice age will soon come again, where the world populations will perish.

Those were the theories in the REAL world. The world we live in. google up if you feel the need.

But in this movie, the world got messed up big time similar to Mayan's predictions on the apocalypse. World map changes, some of the dry lands sink completely and some of them shift to new latitudes. Most of the destructions involved sea water to rise so high with unbelievable speed which destroyed the whole human populations. Everything is gone just in matter of seconds.

The government *US government, of course* hides the REAL problems to the public, feared there will be social chaos and rebellious acts. VVIP planned to build ships to save them from the terror, and each life cost ONE BILLION EURO.

This is when I thought, “Holy crap, one BILLION? That’s so crossing the line.”

A billion Euro equals to 1.5 Billion US Dollar. Sunil Mittal from India can only get like, 7 seats? And Donald Trump can only save himself and his wife. I doubt Oprah Winfrey or Madonna can make it. That’s how big ONE BILION EURO is.

So the ticket price for the La-La Ship is totally bullshit. They should amend that part.

Although the graphic works and movement of the movie is superb, and John Cusack delivered his character like a pro (well, he’s undeniably a great actor)~ I still think that the whole movie is a bit dragged, especially during the part where they can’t seal the ship. We all know they will survive, so cut the suspense and thrill off after 5 minutes. It started to make the audiences lose their focuses with that long-flooded scene.

Anyway, the movie is worth watching. It’s a great epic adventure that concluded knowledge of ancient civilization and scientific findings. It makes you THINK.

Make sure you get a large popcorn combo because the duration of this movie is nearly 3 hours. But it’s worth it.Watch it in cinema to enjoy the details on the graphic works, or buy the original DVD.

Rate: 8/10

for the heart i once had

After so long, I finally realize that I am tired faking.
Tired to be all-defensive dealing with negativity.
Tired to fight for things that’s not worth it.
Tired becoming someone who I wasn’t, or pretended to be sharp-tongue so I am can defend myself.
I have enough.
All my life.
I have enough.

Let them say it all. Let them hate me all they want. Let them throw all negativity they had all they want. Let them put all the blame.
Let them feel good about themselves.
I surrendered.
They were right in their minds that I…. I don’t know~ suck, perhaps?
That I wasn’t any good.

I keep my mouth shut now. There’s nothing I could say to make anything changed.
I’m powerless.
Those pain they caused just turned me to be, them. Exactly like them.
And how I hate myself for that.

I am letting it go now.
I’ll build walls around me for all I need in my life was just me.
And I am no longer hoping for anyone to climb those walls and save me.

Review: Jennifer's Body

Date: 7th Nov 2009
Time: 9.55 pm

When my friend Kourtney break the news that she cancelled our karaoke's plan, I wasn't at all surprised. It was very typical for her to do so. Promise-breaker. To apologise, she said she'll treat us (me and Jane) for movie, since we haven't done it for a while. But being 'Kourtney'~ she only paid for 2 tickets, and asked us to forked our money out to pay for the third tickets.
Jane said she's outta cash, so that leaves me to dug in to my wallet.
Typical friends of mine.

Back to the review, all I can say is :

Thumbs up:
Fast-moving and full of surprises.
You might never know what's gonna happen next.
Plus, Megan Fox looks REALLY2 hot in the movie, hands-down.
Amanda Seyfried is a great actress, she really knows how to play a dorky-sweet-nerdy girl who obeyed her gorgeously-evil best friend.
Is that Adam Brody? Jeezz~ I can hardly tell.... he's awesome though.

Thumbs down:
Too many sex scenes, too many kissing scenes, too sexual.
One scene of heavy French kiss will do, too much will make this movie lost it's charm and sophistication, trust me.
Needy (Amanda Seyfried) got a clear vision of Jennifer (Megan Fox) basically 'eating' a guy from their school exactly during her first sexual encounter with her boyfriend.
And it's a very long scene that's pretty much seems empty to me.
I was hoping to see Jennifer (Megan Fox) to be able to think clearly and go haunts the band instead of hunting boys.

Anyhow, the movie was worth watching. Even with these two friends I got.

Rate: 3.5/5 Stars. Watch it in cinema. DVD version might not give the same creepy impact.

run and run.

I run into G Seven last night.



I need to send my resume to a publishing house, and since the server in my office unallowed me to send any file to the website, I need to go to the internet cafe to get it done.



It was actually my usual cafe, I liked the girl working there.



Not until I saw him on the front pc, grinning at me.







Holding myself together, I tried to spot the girl, ignoring the jerk, but she's nowhere to be found.



And this guy came to me and handed me the number for my seat.



(All pc in the cafes have referral numbers)







Which was exactly next to him.







O, my god!







p / s: Who is G Seven?



I knew this guy from a friend, and as naive and stupid as it seems, I was literally attracted to him.



A few months after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, we became friends, and soon enough, he asked me out.



We went for a movie, which he had trouble paying for both of us, and I even make it up by buying some popcorn for us.



During the movie, he kind of~ make a move on me. Yikes.



Honestly, it was scary because I never made out with any guys, period. and so for a first date, that was totally crossing the line.



I told him I need to go to the washroom, and guess what?







I never come back.



I totally left him all alone.



With the popcorn I bought.







How can I possibly looked at him without feeling rather embarassed?



It was nearly 2 years later when we have our next conversation, but as embarassing as it was to me, I find it strange he still presumed that nothing humiliating happened.



With his big grin and cocky-look, he tried to break the ice (I bet he still think he's charming when it's so obvious he's a total jerk.) but I am as cold as iceberg.



I guess I am shaking the whole time, and I completely forgot about the whole resume thing.



To make thing less obvious, I checked my mail and my facebook account.



And leave.



As calm as possible.



This time, I didn't run away.



Thank God, because that's what I actually thought of when he handed me the number.

missing

I can't believe he left.
Just like that.
Hating me, still.
And thinking I was so mad at him. Or hating him.
But I am not.
The truth is, I do like him a lot.
We have so much in common. Our taste, attitude, pride.
"Pride is a good thing, until it become a wall"

The sucky part of this whole thing:
1. No more excitement to see his face somewhere. He's no longer around, I have to live with this fact from now on.
2. Because I pretended I hate him, I can't tell anyone how upset I was when a friend of mine broke the news. They thought it was a good news for me.
3. Well, I should've hated him for whatever he had said to me. Why am I so forgiveful? He's been a real jerk to me. And I still liked him, a lot.
4. We never really talked, but I can always sensed there (are or were) sparks between us, that we both hide so carefully.
5. I won't be the one to make the first move. I don't dare. It's too risky, to get hurt. And trust me, he doesn't care either.

This is how it goes. This is how it ends.

myself without the SHELL~

For the first time in my life, I've got to be real and true to myself.
I could write things I could not tell my friends.
I could say out loud how I really feel.

There's so many secrets, so many things I hide from people around me.
The fact is, I was scared of judgement.
Their judgements.
And my own.